How to Vet Another Couple Before You Meet

What should you check on a profile?

A genuine profile is detailed, consistent and recent. Look at the details before you look at the photos.

• Photos that appear to show the same people throughout, and do not look lifted from somewhere else.
• Both partners shown or described, with a clear idea of who is who.
• A written profile that says what they are looking for, in their own words.
• A verification badge. Members can verify their ID for free and earn a blue tick, and a live video check with a moderator is available too. Verification is optional, so its absence proves nothing, but its presence is a good sign.
• Signs of life: replies that make sense, and a profile that has been updated.

Our safety page explains the identity checks in more detail.

How do you know they are really a couple?

Speak to both people, not just one. A genuine couple will usually be happy to have each partner message you, or to arrange a short video call with both on screen. If one person always answers for the pair, or a second partner never appears, take note. Keep early conversations on the platform until you are comfortable, and share personal details only when you choose to.

What questions should you ask?

• What are you looking for, and what is your experience?
• What are your limits, as a couple and individually?
• Do you play together, apart, or socialise first?
• How do you each feel about sexual health and testing?
• Have you met other couples before, and how did it go?
• What would you like to happen when we first meet?
• What happens if one of us decides not to continue?

Relaxed, honest answers are what you want. Defensive or vague ones are a clue. A sensible couple will ask you the same questions, and that is a good sign too.

How do you make your own profile easy to trust?

By doing the same things you look for in theirs. Use recent photos of the people who will actually turn up, say what you are looking for in plain words, name your limits, and answer questions without getting defensive. Couples who check you out are doing you a favour, and the ones worth meeting will be glad you checked them out too.

It also helps to agree between yourselves what you will say yes to, what you will say no to, and who replies to messages, so the answers always match.

What are the red flags?

• Pressure to meet quickly or to skip the chatting.
• Refusing a public first meeting, or insisting on a private address straight away.
• Asking you to move to another app very early, or asking for money, gifts or personal documents.
• Only one partner ever communicates.
• Stories that keep changing, or photos that do not match the person you speak to.
• Ignoring a boundary you stated, even a small one.
• Asking for explicit photos before any real conversation has happened.

One red flag deserves a second look. Two deserve a no.

Where and how should you meet first?

Somewhere public, such as a bar or restaurant, with no obligation to play.

• Tell a friend where you are going and when you expect to be back.
• Travel under your own steam, so you can leave when you want to.
• Keep your drinks in sight.
• Agree a signal between the two of you that means "I want to go".

Many couples keep a first meeting short and social. If the chemistry is there, there will be a second. If you are heading to a party or club instead, read What Is a Swinger Party Like? and Your First Swingers Club.

How much should you share?

Less than you think, for longer than you think. Use an alias, keep your surname, address and workplace to yourself until you trust the couple, and keep photos that show your face for people you have met. There is more in our guide to keeping the lifestyle private.

What if something feels off?

Leave. You do not owe anyone an explanation, and a polite "we have decided not to take this further" is enough. If someone has behaved badly, report their profile through the platform so other members are protected. Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, that is reason enough.

Before any of this, make sure the two of you are on the same page. How to Talk to Your Partner About Swinging covers that conversation, and the ground rules in our swinging guide cover the rest.

More from the community

What Is Swinging? A Plain-English Guide for Couples

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What Is a Swinger Party Actually Like?

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Your First Swingers Club: What to Expect Before You Go

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