How to Talk to Your Partner About Swinging

In short: choose a calm, private moment, say what interests you and why, and ask what your partner thinks and feels before you ask for anything. Treat it as the first of several conversations, not a decision. A no, or a not yet, is a perfectly good answer.

In this guide

Why is this conversation so hard?

Because it carries two fears at once. The person raising it worries about being judged or turned down. The person hearing it may worry, even if just for a second, that something is missing, or that an affair is being dressed up as an idea. Both fears are normal, and you can say so out loud.

It helps to be clear about what you are actually asking. You are not asking for permission to sleep with someone else. You are asking whether your partner would like to explore something together. If you are still working out the basics yourself, read What Is Swinging? first, so you can explain it calmly.

When and where should you bring it up?

Pick a time when neither of you is tired, stressed or in the middle of an argument. A walk, a drive or a quiet evening at home works better than the bedroom, where it can sound like a line, or a text, where tone gets lost.

Not during sex, and not straight after it.
Not after an argument, or when one of you has been drinking.
Somewhere private, where you can both talk freely.
With enough time that nobody has to rush off.

If saying it out loud feels like too much, some couples start by reading something together, such as What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?, and see how the reaction goes.

What do you actually say?

Start with why you are raising it, then share a thought rather than a plan. A few openers that tend to land well:

"I read something that made me curious, and I would like to know what you think."
"I am happy with us, and there is something I would like to talk about. Can I tell you what I have been thinking?"
"I am not asking for anything today. I just want us to be able to talk about this kind of thing."
"What would you think about going to a social night, just to see what it is like?"

Then stop talking and listen. Surprise, silence and a bad joke are all normal first reactions. Do not defend the idea. Ask what your partner is feeling and what questions they have.

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What should you ask each other?

Once the first reaction has settled, these questions turn a nervous chat into a useful one.

What appeals to you about this, and what worries you?
What would be a definite no for each of us?
How do we each honestly feel about the other being with someone else?
Would we rather watch, play together or play apart?
Is there anyone we would not want to know about it?
What would make us stop?
How will we look after each other afterwards?

Write the answers down if it helps. They become your first set of ground rules, and the ground rules section of our swinging guide lists the ones most couples add. When you are ready to find people, couples seeking couples is the place to start.

What about jealousy?

Expect it. Jealousy does not mean you chose the wrong thing. It is information about what each of you needs in order to feel safe. Say what you feel when it comes up, ask for what would help, and agree a check-in during and after any first experience.

Many couples find it easier to go slowly: chatting with other couples first, going to a social event with no pressure to play, or trying a soft swap before anything else. A first swingers club visit feels very different once you have talked it all through.

What if your partner says no, or not yet?

Then it is no, or not yet, and the conversation is not a negotiation. Do not push, sulk or bring it up again the next day. A no is a complete answer. Give it time, and if the subject returns, let it come from curiosity rather than pressure.

If your partner is unsure rather than opposed, ask what would make it feel safer, and offer to go at their pace. They may want to read more, to ask questions in the chat rooms and forums under an alias, or simply to sit with the idea for a few weeks.

What are the warning signs?

One of you is pushing and the other is going along to keep the peace.
Swinging is being treated as a way to fix a problem in the relationship.
There are secrets about what is happening or who is involved.
Someone says yes but looks miserable, or the yes keeps changing.
Resentment builds after events and never gets talked about.

Any of these is a reason to stop and talk, or to speak to a couples counsellor. It is not a failure. If you decide to carry on, read How to Vet Another Couple Before You Meet and Swinging and Privacy before you take the next step.

Frequently asked questions

How do I bring up swinging without sounding like I am cheating?

Raise it openly, in daylight, with a clear message that you want to explore it together. Cheating is secret. Telling your partner what interests you, and agreeing nothing without them, is the opposite.

What if my partner thinks swinging is cheating?

Ask what cheating means to them. For many people it is about secrecy and broken promises, and swinging involves neither. If they still see it as cheating, that is a boundary to respect, not an argument to win. Our guide covers how swinging differs from cheating.

How long should we wait before trying anything?

As long as you both need. There is no deadline. Many couples spend weeks or months talking, reading and chatting online before they meet anyone.

Can we change our minds?

Yes, at any point, before or during. Agree a stop word or signal in advance and treat it as final.

Should we talk to a counsellor first?

It can help, especially if the conversation keeps going badly or older issues keep coming up. A couples counsellor can help you talk, whatever you decide.